What the meeting is for
The meeting has two purposes: for the two people to see and speak to each other, and for the families to get a feel for one another. It is not an exam. Both sides are deciding, and both sides are guests in each other’s hopes.
The Sunnah of seeing each other
When al-Mughirah ibn Shu’bah proposed to a woman, the Prophet ﷺ told him:
Look at her, for that is more likely to bring lasting harmony between you.
Scholars note that seeing each other is with modesty and with family present, not alone. And the right goes both ways: she has every right to see him, ask questions and decide.
Who comes, and where
- Keep it small. Parents and perhaps one sibling or elder on each side. A crowd of relatives turns a meeting into a show.
- At home is traditional in Bangladesh. The visiting family usually brings a small box of sweets — nothing more.
- In the diaspora, a quiet restaurant or café with both families, or a family video call first, works well.
- Time to talk. Let the two speak for a while — in the same room or within sight of family, so everyone is comfortable.
Good questions for the two of you
- What does a normal week look like for you?
- What part does faith play in your daily life?
- Where would you like to live in five years?
- How close are you to your family, and what would you want to keep the same after marriage?
- What are you hoping for in a husband or wife?
- Is there anything important you would like me to know about you?
For a longer list to use over the next few conversations, see questions to ask before marriage.
Questions for the families
- Where is the family from, and where do the relatives live now?
- What do the brothers and sisters do?
- Would the couple live with parents, near them, or on their own?
- What are the family’s expectations around the wedding — size, timing, place?
What never to ask or do
- Never comment on skin colour, weight or looks. Never.
- Never ask her to walk across the room, show her hair, serve tea "so we can see", or prove she can cook.
- Never raise dowry, gifts or "what you will give your daughter". Dowry is a crime in Bangladesh (see denmohor).
- Do not ask about salary in front of everyone. Income is a private conversation between the fathers or guardians, later.
- Do not question either of them about past relationships in front of the families.
Saying no, kindly
Not every meeting leads to a marriage, and that is fine. What matters is how the answer is given:
- Give the answer within a few days. Silence for weeks is unkind.
- Let the elder who arranged the meeting pass it on, or one parent to another.
- Keep it short and blameless: "They are a lovely family, but we do not feel it is the right match. We wish them every happiness."
- Never share what was said at the meeting with others.