How to use this list
You do not need every question, and you should not fire them off in one sitting. Pick the ones that matter to you, spread them over a few conversations, and listen more than you talk. A pause before an answer is fine; a refusal to answer anything is information too.
Faith and practice
A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion. Choose the one with religion, and you will prosper.
- What does your practice look like day to day — prayer, fasting, Quran?
- Is there anything about faith you hope we would grow in together?
- How would we like to bring up children in faith?
- Are there practices in your family (milad, particular celebrations) that matter to you?
Where you will live, and with whom
- Will we live with your parents, near them, or on our own? For how long?
- If parents live with us, what does that mean for daily life and decisions?
- Which city or country do you see us in, in five and ten years?
- How often do you expect to visit Bangladesh, and for how long?
Money, work and mahr
- Do you have any debts, loans or big commitments I should know about?
- Do you support your parents or siblings financially? Will that continue?
- How do you feel about the wife working or studying after marriage?
- How will we handle money — joint, separate, or both?
- Have our families agreed the denmohor, and is it an amount that will really be paid?
Children
- Do you want children? How many, and how soon?
- If one of us already has children, how do you see your role with them?
- Who would help with childcare — grandparents, both of us, nursery?
Moving abroad and visas
- If one of us lives abroad, who would move, and when?
- What does the visa process need — income, documents, time apart — and are we both prepared for it?
- How would the one who moves keep their own friends, work and family links?
Health, including thalassaemia
Thalassaemia is an inherited blood condition. A national survey reported that 11.4 per cent of people tested in Bangladesh carry a thalassaemia gene. Carriers are usually healthy, but if both partners are carriers, each pregnancy has a one-in-four chance of a child with a serious form of thalassaemia.
- Would you be willing for us both to have a simple carrier blood test before marriage? Ask a doctor which test to take.
- Is there any health condition, physical or mental, that you would want me to know about?
- How do you look after your health — sleep, exercise, smoking?
We are not doctors. Ask your GP or a doctor in Bangladesh about screening, and talk through any result with them.
Communication and conflict
- When you are upset, what do you need — space, or to talk it through?
- How did your parents handle disagreements? What would you keep, and what would you change?
- If we disagree with our families about something, how will we decide together?
- What does respect look like to you in a marriage?
The past, honestly
- Have you been married or engaged before?
- Is there anything in your past that could come up later, which you would rather tell me now?
Honesty here protects you both. In Bangladesh, a man who is already married needs written permission before another marriage (see the kabin-nama guide).
Doing this with guardians present
Many couples are more comfortable with a parent, sibling or wali in the conversation, or nearby. On KobulKabin, either of you can add your active guardian to a chat, and a banner shows both of you when a guardian is there. See guardian mode.